Thursday, June 14, 2012
I'm Never Serious Except for Right Now, Seriously
The sun has emerged and people are smiling more. Couples walk hand-in-hand, no longer huddled under soggy umbrellas and though the wind that blows is cold, they do not button their jackets.
Yesterday, I had the worst migraine of my life and I've spent much of the last 30 hours restlessly sleeping. What is wrong with me? I wearily asked David. He thinks I'm stressed and lonely, and you know what, he's right. But I also woke myself up laughing yesterday- my optimism never tires.
I've tried writing this post a couple times already, but I haven't been able to get the tone right. You see, I don't want anyone to think I'm throwing confetti around at my pity-party-of-one, but I also have a commitment to myself to be honest in this space and share the things that go on behind the scenes. Life isn't all cocktail parties and sequins dresses, after all...
I was talking to my dad on Skype last week. He's in Australia right now, working on a project that has been keeping him there for months on end. He's always traveled a lot for work and he understands what it's like to be lonely, to feel displaced. As we were talking, he said something that didn't sit well with me, he said, I knew you were making your life so much more difficult by moving to England. And yes, an international move is difficult. Trading a great job and an amazing support system for a suburb where I know nobody and work from home is difficult. Having to make room in my life for the care and needs of David's two sons has been difficult. But who's to say difficult is a bad thing?
Things are difficult, yes. Some days I feel really sad and I weep at everything that reminds me of home, but most days I'm energized by this adventure and see these difficulties as a hurtle that I'm going to be proud of jumping. If life weren't difficult, I don't think it would be worth living and though I'm sometimes scared by the uncertainties that lie before me, I'm fully prepared to enjoy the process of getting to the place I end up being.
And where will I end up? Will I end up freelancing forever, will I finish my book and become a successful writer, will I find a great branding agency where I can lend my voice and develop my skills? Maybe I'll end up doing something else completely. Who knows? Certainly not me! And if I'm quite honest, sometimes it makes me feel like throwing up, but that's the fun of it, right? This uncertainty. It's like that moment before you walk on stage for an audition and all your nerves are buzzing at once but once you start to say your lines you feel a sense of complete and total clarity. Then you walk off stage and your body turns to jelly. Right now, my life is just like that, and it's kind of difficult, but it's also quite exciting.