Thursday, June 14, 2012

I'm Never Serious Except for Right Now, Seriously

The sun has emerged and people are smiling more.  Couples walk hand-in-hand, no longer huddled under soggy umbrellas and though the wind that blows is cold, they do not button their jackets. 

Yesterday, I had the worst migraine of my life and I've spent much of the last 30 hours restlessly sleeping.  What is wrong with me? I wearily asked David.  He thinks I'm stressed and lonely, and you know what, he's right.  But I also woke myself up laughing yesterday- my optimism never tires. 

I've tried writing this post a couple times already, but I haven't been able to get the tone right.  You see, I don't want anyone to think I'm throwing confetti around at my pity-party-of-one, but I also have a commitment to myself to be honest in this space and share the things that go on behind the scenes.  Life isn't all cocktail parties and sequins dresses, after all...

I was talking to my dad on Skype last week.  He's in Australia right now, working on a project that has been keeping him there for months on end.  He's always traveled a lot for work and he understands what it's like to be lonely, to feel displaced.  As we were talking, he said something that didn't sit well with me, he said, I knew you were making your life so much more difficult by moving to England.  And yes, an international move is difficult.  Trading a great job and an amazing support system for a suburb where I know nobody and work from home is difficult.  Having to make room in my life for the care and needs of David's two sons has been difficult.  But who's to say difficult is a bad thing? 

Things are difficult, yes.  Some days I feel really sad and I weep at everything that reminds me of home, but most days I'm energized by this adventure and see these difficulties as a hurtle that I'm going to be proud of jumping.  If life weren't difficult, I don't think it would be worth living and though I'm sometimes scared by the uncertainties that lie before me, I'm fully prepared to enjoy the process of getting to the place I end up being.

And where will I end up?  Will I end up freelancing forever, will I finish my book and become a successful writer, will I find a great branding agency where I can lend my voice and develop my skills?  Maybe I'll end up doing something else completely.  Who knows?  Certainly not me!  And if I'm quite honest, sometimes it makes me feel like throwing up, but that's the fun of it, right?  This uncertainty.  It's like that moment before you walk on stage for an audition and all your nerves are buzzing at once but once you start to say your lines you feel a sense of complete and total clarity.  Then you walk off stage and your body turns to jelly.  Right now, my life is just like that, and it's kind of difficult, but it's also quite exciting.


  1. Dear Kate,

    I just wrote you a long response, but the browser crashed and didn't save it :( let's try again...

    I completely understand how you feel, having been displaced and started life over many times. It is a tough transition, but things will get much better.

    You have gone through a lot of changes over the past few months: marriage, moving to another country, new home, being far from friends & family...etc. It's not easy, but you will get through it. Know that your support system is always there for you - phone call, email or Skype away.

    Part of life's adventure is not knowing what will happen next. I saw this quote the other day "Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right & forget those who don't! Believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it". Change is not a bad thing, it might be tough, but can lead us down paths we may never have expected otherwise.

    Keep dreaming and make those dreams happen. Focus on how you want to write the next page of your life. You're in London, city of art, fashion and culture. It seems so fitting to see you there, enjoy it!

    My arrival will be delayed due to a minor surgery I have to take on July 6, but hopefully I will make it over there by mid-August.

    I miss you darling and look forward to catching up in person.
    -mona xo

    1. I cannot wait to see you, Mona! Thank you for your kind words- you always know exactly what to say! XOXO